


Oddities and Dress codes

by Cherryrainbowie



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Bottom Misha, Crying Misha, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Misha Collins, M/M, Non-Sexual Age Play, Protective Jensen, Self-Harm, Sub Misha, Top Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-27 05:15:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16696123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherryrainbowie/pseuds/Cherryrainbowie
Summary: Please be gentle this is my first supernatural fic, and a RPF one at that. Its built up from an image I had of Misha, based on his various behaviours and outfit choices. I think I know where I want to go with this in terms of little misha and eventual relationship.Jensen catches Misha in a private moment and sees a whole new side to the other man, which really, he is surprised he didn't suspect of before. He then finds himself dealing with Misha's insecurity and fears whilst trying to reassure the other man he doesn't need to change anything about himself.(more chapters to come)





	1. Chapter 1

Jensen gave a warning knock on the door before trying the handle, Misha normally left the door unlocked. “Hey Misha, you in there?” he called, craning his neck through the gap before sliding his whole body into the hotel room.

“NO! I mean yes” came a tentative voice from…somewhere. He couldn’t see the man he was seeking; the room was empty but there were signs of life like the empty plate and a full cup of tea sitting on top of the small dining table. He was pretty sure the table cloth just moved. 

Jensen squinted. “Dude are you… are you under the table?”

There was a pause. “Yes.”

“What the hell are you doing under there?” the younger man laughed.

“Nothing,” the other voice sounded unsure.

“Doesn’t sound like nothing,” Jensen mumbled as he headed towards the table.

“Don’t!” Misha’s voice had sounded unusually panicked. “Pl-please don’t come over here. What did you want?”

Baffled, Jensen shook his head slightly. “Uh, me and Jared were heading out to a bar, figured you might want to join us? Or whatever… I can leave you to uh, whatever the fuck this is if you want.”

The silence was awkward, pained, Jensen could practically hear the internal debate hanging in the air. 

“Maybe I can catch up with you guys later or something”. Misha’s disembodied voice sounded quiet, resigned.

“Sure, just text me if you decide to come out. I’ll let you know where we are.” Jensen stepped back towards the door but couldn’t help looking back in the direction of the hidden man. “I know this is a bit weird to ask seeing as you’re hiding under a table, but is everything ok man?”

“Yeah… yeah I just need some time to myself for a bit.”

“Alright, whatever” Jensen took a few strides to the door and pulled the door open. It barely reached the usual click of closing when a small sob spilled out from the other man.

*

Misha stood in front of the mirror, gazing sceptically at his reflection, mouth askew as he considered the image before himself. There was something off about the outfit. It wasn’t the loose AC/DC t-shirt that Jensen had bestowed to him one night, claiming he had so many of the band t-shirts he could just have it. It wasn’t the combat boots, even though the shoelaces had come undone and curled around, snagging slightly under one heel. It wasn’t the beloved sock monkey hat that was starting to bobble with age. It wasn’t even the tulle skirt billowing out a wonderful radiant pink tone past his knees, a perfect shade of hot pink. Beaded bracelets would be too much, he shook his head. Opening the drawer nearby, his long fingers fumbled around inside it until he grasped what he was looking for. Pulling the wrapper off with ease, as soon as the red lollipop hit his tongue, a smile melted upon his face. Red flavour was the best. Now this seemed right. Nodding to himself he near enough floated his way to the small kitchenette area of his hotel room, which was more or a less in the style of a one-bedroom apartment.

His tea was left forgotten and full on the table, sat next to an empty plate scattered with crumbs. A jam covered knife balanced precariously on the edge, nearly touching the peanut butter blob on the table cloth. He had been fixing himself up a snack when he thought fuck it, I’ve got time to myself and I really need to do this tonight. So, he gave in to the urge to indulge in his more childish side.

He had been teetering for weeks, not wanting to be even weirder than people already thought he was, so he just brought out enough to help keep the edge off. A silly hat now and then, the handmade bracelets he could get away with saying a fan made them for him and wearing the kind of hideous space cat t-shirts that really, it wasn’t all that surprising that Jensen was practically giving away clothes to him. But it wasn’t enough. He needed more, and he could do that in private, without having to worry about smirks, laughter, and teasing. He could only imagine the reactions if someone witnessed the full-blown mode of… Misha’s own kind of weird.

Shifting the table cloth, he slipped underneath and knelt in a comfortable seated position, losing half of his body beneath the billowy pink cloud of the skirt. With a content sigh he dropped the lollipop into a near by plastic pink teacup and picked up his sandwich. His teeth sunk into the PB&J sandwich with the crusts cut off, and he settled into the comfortableness of the moment. He ate in silence with his companions for the occasion – a unicorn, a monkey and a zebra. They looked pretty chill sat around in jaunty angles, with their teacups before them, and all was good.

How he managed to stop himself from choking when there was a knock on the door was a miracle. Quickly he pulled down the table cloth enough to hide the unusual picnic scene going on under there. “Hey Misha are you there?” His eyes widened, chest filling with cold as he recognised that voice. No no no no no – 

“No! I mean yes,” he winced, internally cursing his stupidity. Of course, he’ll know you’re here if you say no, dumbass.

“Dude, are you… are you under the table?”

His heart was thudding with fear. This can’t be happening now. Why the hell didn’t he put the latch on the door? The one time you could have used your brain and put on the chain… idiot. “Yes” he called meekly.

“What the hell are you doing under there?”.

Misha winced at the deadpan looks from the cuddly toys in front of him. There could be no good answer to that question. “Nothing.”

“Doesn’t sound like nothing.” He could sense the other man moving closer towards them. 

No god no he cannot catch me like this, not now, this is too much, it’s too much. He’s only just getting to like you and you’re going to fuck it up with this freakishness. He could feel the panic bubbling up in his chest, at the same time feeling his stomach drop. He wasn’t sure if he could taste vomit or the sandwich at this point. “Don’t!” the bubbles caught into a lump in his throat. “pl-please don’t come over here. What did you want?”

“Uh, me and Jared were heading out to a bar, figured you might want to join us? Or whatever… I can leave you to uh, whatever the fuck this is if you want”

He thinks you’re a fucking freak. Misha’s ears were pounding, his heart was pounding still. Look at you, look at how fucking ridiculous you are, what the fuck are you doing? You’re older than him for Christ’s sake. He’s starting to accept you and you’re going to mess it all up like this? You’re always pining for the chance to hang out with the guys and here you are stuck in a fucking tea party for one giant freak. He swallowed again, trying to force the burning sting out of his eyes. “Maybe I can catch up with you guys later or something”.

“Sure, just text me if you decide to come out. I’ll let you know where we are” the other man said. Misha silently nodded, already knowing it wasn’t going to happen, as the water built up and blurred his vision. The other man added further, “I know this is a bit weird to ask seeing as you’re hiding under a table, but is everything ok man?”

No, I’m not okay, Misha thought, I’m ridiculous, THIS is ridiculous. The taste of pb&j was merging into nausea at that moment. “Yeah… yeah I just need some time to myself for a bit.”

“Alright, whatever” He heard the footsteps, then the door and that was when the sob escaped him.

Misha squeezed his eyes shut, whole body shaking as the crying finally broke from him. Tears quickly dripped down his face as he knelt there, squeezing his hands into fists so that his nails bit into the palms. He was so wrapped up in his own turmoil that he didn’t realise the door didn’t click shut.

“Misha” Jensen’s voice was suddenly too near, and his presence just on the other side of the table cloth. Panic caused Misha to suddenly snag the edge of it in his hands.

“NO!” he shouted, pulling on the cloth. It was too much, causing the forgotten kitchenware to come tumbling down, throwing tea, shards and the jam covered knife bouncing around them. Jensen had managed to launch himself backwards as Misha covered himself like a pathetic half formed fabric ghost, shrinking back with his knees drawn up. 

Jensen blinked, barely taking in the array of plastic and broken china tea cups dotted around in carnage on the floor. Spilt tea had pooled on the carpet and was soaking up into Misha’s loose shoelaces, whose feet were turned in towards each other like a shamed child. He couldn’t ignore the enormous amount of pink fabric that seemed to swamp around the other man. Misha’s top half was covered by the stained table cloth and he was shaking in fear. Jensen pushed himself forward, flinching slightly when the side of his hand caught a shard of broken china, which luckily didn’t cut him. “Misha are you okay?” he asked, unsure if the other had been injured.

“Of course, I’m fucking not!” Misha burst out and quickly scrambled out, pushing past Jensen to run towards the bedroom and slam the door shut. Jensen was frozen in place wondering what the fuck just happened. Of all the ways he expected his evening to go, this was beyond anything he could imagine. But he didn’t stay still for long when he could hear the sobbing coming from the other room. 

It seemed to take an age to get to the door, and it seemed the slowest a door had ever opened when he cautiously entered the room. A heavy feeling sunk inside him when he saw the sight of poor Misha still hiding hopelessly under the cloth that covered him down to his waist. From the edge of the skirt that skimmed the man’s knee he could see blood seeping down from a cut there, sliding down the inside of his lower leg. “You cut your knee dude” he stated, hating the obviousness of it as he cautiously walked over and crouched down before the other man.

“I don’t care.”

Jensen took the edge of the table cloth in his hands, and sighed as he felt a resistance pulling it back. “Come on I’m not talking to you like this, let me take this off you”. The other man’s hands reluctantly fell loose, giving up. Fuck it, he’s already seen what he’s seen. Jensen gave him a moment and then lifted the fabric up and off the other man.

He was taken aback by the look on the man’s tear streaked face. He’d seen Misha with many expressions – unabashed glee, mirth, smugness, confidence, sweetness, shyness, irritation, annoyance and anger even - but never ever had he seen the man look ashamed and embarrassed, truly mortified. “What the fuck is this huh?” he asked, wondering if it was the worst thing he could have said when Misha shook with another sob, “I just mean I’ve never seen you this god damn upset and with that…that look on your face man”.

“You weren’t supposed to see me like this.”

“Like what?”

“This” Misha stressed as his hands rose and dropped onto his thighs heavily, gesturing to the mess he was, whilst keeping his head down, still refusing to meet Jensen’s gaze.

“Misha…”

“You guys have only just started to think I’m not that weird. And there’s a difference between you guys seeing me wear sparkly stuff and doing weird shit and thinking its for a laugh with the fans, or- or for attention”-

“we don’t think you do stuff for attention”-

“when you realise, I am this fucking weird, like truly messed up, and I like this kind of stuff, you’re going to want nothing to do with me. I mean, I don’t do this all the time, just sometimes because… I don’t know” Misha was rambling, words tripping as he continued to sob. “I’m sorry, I. I just like… I like this kind of stuff,” Misha sounded broken as he wrapped his arms around himself.

“Yeah you are weird” Jensen winced as Misha’s face crumpled and pressed his hands on the mattress either side of him, “but that’s what’s so awesome about you. You’re Misha fucking Collins, you don’t care what people think, you embrace who you are and that’s what is so great about you. I don’t get why you’re upset at me seeing you like this… I’ve seen you prance around in tiaras and funny outfits before, confidently in fact. I really don’t bat an eye lid at this kind of stuff you know”

“But that’s the point I do care. This is…different to that kind of stuff. I don’t want you to hate me or think I’m a joke,” Misha admitted.

“I really don’t think that” Jensen felt gutted that Misha really thought he would see him that way. But then, the way he and Jared always spoke about when they first met Misha, always stating how weird they thought he was… no wonder the guy was feeling insecure. But he never thought of the guy was a joke. 

“I just like this kind of… childish stuff. It makes me feel myself and happy and…and” he trailed off. “I just like it and I need it sometimes, like today… its stupid” Misha stated.

“Is there an um reason, you needed it today?” Jensen hazarded to ask. Misha’s chin seemed to sink even lower to his chest as he just shrugged – clearly there was, but he wasn’t going to get it out of him today.  
“You don’t have to explain shit to me Misha, just be you. Don’t ever, and I mean ever, be ashamed of who you are. If you want to do this in your spare time do what the hell you want. You don’t have to hide yourself from me. And I won’t tell anyone about this” – he caught Misha’s quick glance; the silent question of ‘even Jared?’ – “and that means everyone. Okay?”

Misha swallowed and slowly nodded before snatching his hand up to wipe his eyes. “Okay.”

Jensen nodded back slowly, and an awkward heavy silence hung around them as they waited, not sure where to go from there. “Isn’t Jared going to be waiting for you?” Misha sniffed, “something about going to a bar…”

“Yeah. Yeah I’ll call him” Jensen felt a weight on his shoulders, feeling like something in the moment had turned and Misha was just desperate to get him out of there. He almost flinched when he saw a sudden change came upon the other man, seeing Misha literally shake himself to get out of his state.

“Jesus, fuck. I feel stupid now. I’m sorry Jensen I didn’t mean to get all… I need to man the fuck up.” Misha cleared his throat and jumped up. “Wait – you asked if I would. I’ll um, I’ll come out with you guys if that’s ok? I think I need to get out of here,” Misha surprised him. He sounded like he was trying to convince himself it was a good idea. What could be manlier than going for a drink with the guys?

“Are you sure?”

Misha chewed on his bottom lip “yeah. yeah just let me…” he trailed off and looked down at his knee noticing that the blood drip had gone all the way to his shoe, but it felt dry against the skin now.

“Have you got anything for that?” Jensen nodded towards the injury.

“It should wash off. I don’t think its bleeding anymore” his thoughts about the cut clearly led him to think about the scene in the other room. “shit, I have to clean up the mess out there”.

“I’ll do it, you go clean yourself up” Jensen waved him off and headed out to clean the broken plate and cup, not giving the other man time to protest. He figured Misha needed some space to himself, to clean up and get himself together and clear his head. It didn’t take too long to clean up the shards and soak up the spilt tea, though it was going to leave a stain. Gingerly he moved the soft toys and plastic tea set onto the top of the table, unsure about handling the things Misha had been so desperately trying to hide. They seemed so harmless and innocent. He started and stood up tall and alert when Misha emerged from the bedroom.

The other man shifted awkwardly on his feet and rubbed at his arm self-consciously. Misha had changed clothing into what was considered more normal attire – a different baggy band t-shirt and jeans, and he even wore different boots. He looked like he felt awkward and exposed, and it didn’t feel right. “Are you – It is ok that I join you guys? After everything that’s just happened.”

“Of course,” Jensen smiled, hoping the other man would know how genuine he was being. “How’s the knee?”

“Its fine. And thank you, and again um, I’m sorry” Misha nervously rubbed the back of his head.

“Forget about it,” Jensen shrugged off and opened the door, holding it open for the other man to go through. He couldn’t help frown at the way Misha had seemed to have shrunk in on himself so quickly, the sparkle somehow dimmed. Watching the other man trudge ahead, staring blindly at his feet as he walked, Jensen had a feeling things weren’t as ok and resolved as the other man was trying to force them to be.


	2. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got the next few chapters drafted up :) many thanks for kudos and comments, I really appreciate any feedback and hope you are enjoying so far x

“So, what’s up with Misha?” Jared came straight out with it, gazing sideways at Jensen before shovelling a forkful of pasta into his mouth. Still chewing, he continued to talk. “Normally he’s Mr motormouth but last night he barely said two words. Have we pissed him off or something?” 

Jensen was absently using his fork to poke the fries on his plate, considering how to answer. “I think he was just tired, he almost didn’t come out, but I twisted his arm.” It sounded reasonable and believable enough to explain why the other man had been unusually quiet. It didn’t help that they hadn’t seen him yet that day. 

Jared shrugged, “Fair enough, I got the impression he didn’t really want to be out” 

“I wouldn’t make a big thing about it, like I said, I twisted his arm. I think he still had a good time,” Jensen glanced up as the man they were talking about shuffled into the restaurant of the hotel. 

Barefoot and bleary eyed, Misha ambled across the room dressed in the jeans he wore last night and the ac/dc shirt he had hastily discarded after what had happened. He looked a bit lost, seemingly oblivious to an older couple sat nearby giving him incredulous looks because of his bare feet. He seemed so out of it he almost went right past his co-workers. 

“We not good enough for you or something?” Jared spoke loudly. That caught the other man’s attention; Misha did a double take, looked slightly abashed and joined them at their table, pulling out the chair and turning it to sit on it backwards. 

“Sorry Jared, I’m still waking up” 

“Dude, its midday. You didn’t even drink that much” snorting with amusement, Jared shook his head. 

Misha caught Jensen’s gaze and looked away quickly. “Didn’t sleep so good. What’s the food like?” he cleared his throat and picked up a discarded menu, hiding behind it under the pretence of how fascinating the food choices were. 

Frowning, Jensen studied the other man as he made small talk with Jared. It seemed Misha was going for the avoidance tactic, but still, it was concerning him how the other man was actively trying to avoid his gaze all the time and looking away embarrassed whenever he did catch his eye. Fair enough, he figured Misha was more embarrassed about what he had been caught doing rather than what he had been wearing, but he didn’t usually act this way towards him. He had hoped after what he had said to try and reassure Misha things would be okay. He figured maybe he just needed to give him time to get over it. He was sure they’d get back to normal again in a day or two.

 

*

 

Misha seemed to get quieter and withdrew even more, even from Jared. Instead of springing into the room like the life and soul of the party, he was shuffling in and out like a soulless zombie. He was normally the kind of guy who had a story for anything and everything, always ready to spring out the anecdotes starting with ‘well this one time’… but now he didn’t really seem involved in conversations. He was covering up inside and outside, wrapped up in his thoughts and draping himself in baggy hoodies, t-shirts and jeans that looked as uncomfortable as he felt. 

Jensen and Jared were waiting around in the lobby for Misha to join them for a fan meet and greet. It wasn’t unusual for him to be late, and to run in blustering with excuses and apologies, but even their handlers waiting to escort them looked a bit annoyed. 

“Come on Mish, get your damn ass down here” Jensen grunted to himself, glaring towards the ceiling and pacing. 

Jared sighed and jammed his hands in his jacket pockets, swaying slightly as his body betrayed his impatience. “Do you think he’s depressed?” 

“Huh?” the question caught Jensen by surprise. 

Jared moved closer to him, near enough talking straight into his ear in confidence. “Normally sunshine and rainbows practically fall out of his ass like some kind of care bear. The past few days he’s not exactly been a joy to be around” 

“He’s not depressed,” Jensen muttered though he looked doubtful, and the raised eyebrow Jared gave him wasn’t really making him feel any better about it. “A couple of bad days doesn’t make someone depressed,” he knew why Jared was concerned though, his friend was particularly sensitive to seeing signs of it in other people due to his own experiences and he knew Jared’s concerns were coming from a good place. He didn’t want to completely dismiss or demean Jared’s statement because it was a sensitive subject. 

“You guys are pretty close, why don’t you talk to him?” 

“I”- Jensen stopped himself, unsure what to say. He thought they were close, but Misha was pulling away from him and everyone else lately. And he promised he wouldn’t tell anyone about what had happened, not even to Jared. “I’ll talk to him after the meet and greet”. 

“Thank you. Talk to him before if you can, I don’t think he’d want to come across the wrong way to the fans”. Jared patted Jensen’s shoulder and thankfully wrapped the conversation in time, as Misha literally appeared at the other end of the lobby, slow jogging towards them rambling out an apology for being late.

 

*

 

Watching Misha, Jensen wasn’t sure whether it was a good or bad thing that the shorter man was currently managing to pull off a pretty good performance of ‘everything’s fine!’. Misha had managed to engage with the fans in a way where nothing seemed particularly unusual or different about him, though there was something still a bit… off. He answered their questions though not as openly, and he smiled and posed for their cameras but it seemed subdued and lacking in energy. 

Jared had come over at one point to pull Jensen close and say, “Have you spoken to him yet?” 

“No, but he seems to be managing just fine” Jensen nodded towards Misha who was being approached by a gaggle of glittery energetic girls. 

“You look concerned more than relieved” Jared pointed out. 

“Well, maybe that will change after I talk to him” 

Jared patted his shoulder in that ‘this conversation is over with for now’ way that he did and slid off to get a drink whilst Jensen continued his careful observations. Something had caught his eye, and it caused a change in the atmosphere. 

One of the glittery energetic girls had pulled out a tiara. Purple, plastic, princessy. Misha’s eyes lit up at the sight of it and, for the first time in days a real genuine smile came into place. Jensen was so busy staring at the bare joy on the other man’s face, that he almost missed hearing the fan obliviously ask Misha to pose in a photo with her wearing it. He looked perfectly happy to oblige, reaching up as if to put it on his head when he realised Jensen was watching. Immediately, the blaring beacons of blatant joy in his eyes shut down, instead he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Misha was frozen in place, looking like he was about to go into fight or flight mode. 

Now was the time to step in, Jensen realised. Shouldering past the small crowd between them, he took Misha by the elbow in one hand and plucked the tiara out of his hands with the other. “Excuse me ladies, I need to borrow Misha for a moment. We will be right back, with this”. 

Leading the shorter man by the elbow, he took him to a quiet side room and shut the door behind them, leaving them alone together for the first time in days. Shut off from the crowd on the other side of the door, the quietness between them was suddenly deafening. Misha started to stammer trying to say something though he wasn’t sure what, maybe an apology or an excuse. 

“Stop holding back,” Jensen stated boldly. 

“Wh-what?” 

“I said stop holding back. You like this stuff, don’t you?” Jensen placed the tiara in Misha’s hands, watching as the other man shifted awkwardly and blushed. “And it is not a bad thing”. 

“I- I know it’s not.” 

“It’s not a bad thing,” Jensen repeated for emphasis. “Stop avoiding the things you like, and please, stop avoiding me and the others too.” 

“I haven’t been avoiding”- Misha cut himself off, at least having the decency to look shamed knowing that he had actually been avoiding them. The look Jensen gave him was enough to make him feel awful for the way he had been the past few days. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry,” he near whispered, as his shoulders slumped. 

“I get it, and its fine. We missed you. I’ve missed you,” he smiled when Misha actually looked up at him and didn’t look away, his gaze was soft like the blush on his face. 

“I was embarrassed.” 

“I know.” 

“I didn’t want it to be awkward, but I accidentally made it awkward, by well…being awkward.” 

“I know,” Jensen huffed a short laugh. 

“I just wasn’t prepared for having to explain…” 

“I already said you don’t have to explain or tell me anything you don’t want to.” 

“I know but… maybe we could talk later, if that’s okay?” 

Jensen nodded at him knowing how important this was to the other man, and they weren't in the best place to get into it right then. “We can talk about whatever you want to. And you can dress and act however you want around me, you know that right? I’d never judge you”. 

“I know,” Misha shrugged a shoulder, “my freak out was more about what I was thinking than what you were thinking”. What he said made Jensen furrow his brow in concern. 

“About what?” 

“About… myself, I guess”. 

After a beat, Jensen put his hands on Misha’s shoulders and waited for him to look him in the face. He stood tall in front of him. “Listen and repeat after me.”

 

“Huh?” 

“I am Misha fucking Collins.” 

“Jen”- 

“I said repeat after me! I am Misha”- 

“I am Misha Collins” he caught Jensen’s glare and started again, mumbling “I am Misha fucking Collins.” 

“I am a badass.” 

“I am a badass.” 

“And I don’t care what other people think about me.” 

“And I. I don’t care what other people think about me.” 

“Great, now man the fuck up, put your tiara on and get out there!” he smacked Misha on the ass eliciting a surprised ‘oh!’ from him, before taking the tiara off him and carefully placing it upon the shorter man’s head himself. He couldn’t help grin as Misha’s mouth perked up at the corners whilst he carefully straightened the accessory. “Perfect,” he stated, resting his hands back upon Misha’s shoulders. 

“Really?” Misha asked quietly. 

“Really really,” Jensen nodded along to his words. “Ready to go?” he asked, waiting for the other man to nod before he stepped aside and held the door open for him. 

“Thanks Jen,” Misha smiled. His eyelashes fluttered as he licked his lips shyly, looking down and then back up at him. “I missed you too by the way”. 

With a grin and a sense of relief, Misha darted under Jensen’s arm into the other room, and he shone.


	3. Chapter 3

The lowering sun, staccato against the city buildings, made Jensen squint as he sighed and leant his head back. It had been another long day of travelling where exhaustion came about more from boredom rather than exertion. Jared was sat in the chair in front of him, eyes glued to his phone as he flitted between texting and laughing at memes. Gazing to Misha across the aisle on the seats opposite him, Jensen envied his ability to fall asleep any place, any time. The older man used his flexibility to origami his way into what was apparently a comfortable sleeping position across two seats, a backpack beneath him with an arm curled up under his head as he heavily breathed through his slightly parted lips. Some people may have considered the scene cute. Jensen shook his head and took out his own phone to check the time. One hour to go. 

Pocketing the phone and turning his head back to the passing scenery, Jensen let his mind wander, mostly thinking about the past few weeks and Misha. Sometimes he still caught a certain look in the other’s wide blue eyes – it seemed as if he was constantly on the verge of asking him something then retreating from whatever it was, he wanted. Lost in his thoughts, he practically jumped in surprise when they were pulling up outside the hotel. Jared rose like a cobra, albeit a crouched one, before the bus had even fully stopped. 

“Mish,” Jensen called, “hey buddy”, he reached over and shook the other man’s foot that had been hanging off the edge of the seats. “We’re here.” 

“Nnh?” Misha stirred, trying to stretch out. Almost kicking Jensen, he managed to twist his body and kick out at the seats opposite his instead. The movement caused him to startle before he slowly sat up, rubbing at his eyes. 

“We’re at the hotel, come on” Jensen shouldered his back pack and trudged off ahead, eager to stretch his back, plus the fresh air was always a good way to hit some energy. He trailed behind Jared as he clambered down the steps of the bus. People were milling around, getting ready to collect their belongings and sign in. A bump to his shoulder caused him to turn and see Misha standing beside him looking around vacantly, “did you remember your bag? On the bus?” Jensen asked raising an eyebrow. A soft curse and mumble, and the other man disappeared again. 

It wasn’t long before they retrieved their belongings, signed in, and were each assigned their room keys. Jensen kind of fancied ordering some beers to his room and having some time to himself. Jared looked like he could fall asleep any moment. Misha was practically bouncing around with a nervous kind of energy. “I take it you’re wide awake after that nap?” Jensen mused. The other responded by nodding emphatically. “What are you going to do the rest of the night?” 

“I don’t know, stuff, maybe… chilling” Misha shrugged. From the way he was blushing Jensen guessed what he may end up doing. 

“Ah, Nice” Jensen smiled “well, have a good evening man”. Unable to quite read the expression on Misha’s face, something compelled him to say, “I’ll probably end up wide awake all night so, text me if you need me.” 

“Oh, okay thanks,” Misha smiled. 

* 

“boring, boring, seen it, boring, boring – wait… boring” Jensen muttered to himself, clicking through the channels tediously. With an exasperated sigh he turned the TV off and chucked the remote onto the empty space next to him on the sofa. His body was tired, but his mind was wide awake, and he could sense it was going to be a long night. 

BZZZ – the unexpected vibration underneath him reminded him his phone it had made its way in to the space between the cushions. Arching his back up and lifting his hips, he rifled around until he found what he was looking for. Tapping the phone screen, his brows rose when he saw it was a text from Misha. 

Swiping his thumb across the screen, the messaged popped up straight away. 

‘Jensen, I need your help, M x’ 

That woke him up. He quickly typed back ‘I’m on my way’. 

Forcing his body off the sofa with a groan, he searched for a hoody and threw it on and patted away at pockets until he was certain he had his room key. Then he headed straight to Misha’s room. Reaching the door, he knocked and waited, not wanting to just burst in after what happened the last time. He stepped back when the door swung open and there stood Misha looking disappointingly normal and frustrated. “You need my help?” Jensen enquired. The shorter man glanced past Jensen, eyeing up and down the corridor before motioning him to come into the room. 

“So?” Jensen asked. 

“I can’t get my pillow fort to stay up,” Misha was practically pouting. 

Jensen blinked. He looked past the other man to see a collapsed pile of the hotel’s sheets and pillows dropping between two chairs that were different sizes. Jensen almost muttered out loud his disbelief that this was the reason he had been summoned, but he saw the look on Misha’s face, and suddenly it made sense. He guessed Misha didn’t have to dress a certain way to get into a childlike mindset, so he had the sense to know he had to go about this carefully. “Oh… well, sure I can help with that” he gestured to the mess before them. 

He surveyed the structure seriously, even crouching down at different angles to scope out the weaknesses. “If we tie the corners of the sheets onto – here, pass me that bit,” he motioned to Misha, and they worked together. Two grown ass man making a pillow fort in a hotel room. It didn’t take long until they made something that looked decent, or at least stable. Misha sat on the edge of the sofa watching him with high expectation glinting in his eyes. “How’s that?” 

Face scrunched with scrutiny, Misha grabbed a pillow and held it above the canopy top of the fort, letting it drop. Thankfully everything stayed intact, and with this confirmation, a wide grin spread across Misha’s face. “Awesome. Thanks Jen,” he pretty much bounced on his heels and looked up at the taller man, the smile dropping as he suddenly seemed conscious about what he had asked him to help with. “I- I guess it was a pretty dumb thing to text you for.” 

“Are you kidding me? Check out Fort kickass!” Jensen slung an arm around the shorter man’s shoulders and gestured towards the masterpiece, just as some of the propped pillows slumped over. “Besides you asked me for my help, how could I say no,” Jensen stated simply and gazed upon their work. Noticing the other man practically jittery at his side, and wanting to test the waters, he thought he’d try something. “So, what do we do now?” 

“Huh? We?” 

“Well we aren’t going to build a fort just to look at it are we?” 

Misha blushed, rubbing at his arms. Under Jensen’s patient gaze urging him to talk, he cleared his throat. “well, I was going to watch a movie and stuff. When you mentioned about room service earlier, I had a look at it turns out you can order ice cream to your room, and ice cream goes well with Toy Story so…” 

“So why the fuck not, right?” Jensen gave him a lopsided smile. “Which toy story?” he asked casually as he wandered to the desk to find the room service menu. 

“The first one,” Misha quickly replied. 

“Right, well then Toy Story and ice cream it is. I’ll call room service now if you know what you want”. Misha blinked owlishly back at him. “What? Have I got something on my face?” 

Misha shrugged and wrapped his arms around himself. 

“What is it Mish?” Jensen asked, softening his tone. 

“You don’t have to stick around and indulge me if you don't want to,” Misha mumbled and kicked at the carpet, scuffing his shoe in the process. 

Jensen ignored him and picked up the phone.

*  

Basking in the soft glow of the light from the TV filtering through the pillow fort surrounding them, Jensen wondered if it was the high amount of sugar or his natural hyperactivity that accounted for Misha bouncing his knees giddily as he talked his way through the entire movie, eyes fixed on the screen. Disappointed by the lack of toppings for their sundaes, Misha ransacked his own sweet stash and insisted that they both had to have gummy bears on their ice cream, so they did. At one-point Misha gave a pretty impassioned speech about the pros and cons about being a toy dinosaur rather than a real one. He didn’t mind letting the other man talk, it was relaxing, sometimes what he said even made sense. Misha licked his lips and frowned for a moment – it seemed he finally twigged there was ice cream on the corner of his mouth, making Jensen snort softly. Without thinking he reached up and used the edge of his sleeve to wipe Misha’s mouth, who placidly sat there and let him. 

It was coming up to the end of the movie and for the last 5 minutes or so Misha kept glancing sideways at Jensen and towards the clock on the wall when the younger man started yawning. Bouncing his knee erratically Misha coughed and quietly asked “Jen?” 

“Hm?” 

“Would you… uh, I was going to ask something kind of silly and you don’t have to”- he was rambling again until he felt a warm hand on his knee. Misha stopped and took a deep breath. “Do you want to stay over tonight? Like a sleepover” 

Jensen blinked back at him. “You want me to stay?” Misha nodded. “Then I’ll sleepover.” 

“Really?” 

“Sure,” Jensen stretched causing his back to crack audibly, “but we can’t sleep down on the floor, I may never get back up again” he groaned. 

“Can we leave the fort up?” Misha asked shyly, “We could use it in the morning.” 

“Good idea,” Jensen commented, wondering if Misha had already decided what breakfast they were going to order and eat in the fort. 

They got up and moved to the bedroom. “My side?” Jensen asked, pointing to the left side of the bed. Misha nodded in response, rummaging around in an open suitcase whilst Jensen kicked off his shoes and jeans, leaving on his t-shirt and boxers. Sliding between the sheets, Jensen shuffled himself and the pillows about, partly to get himself comfortable, partly to give Misha some privacy. A soft thud to his side made him glance over, smiling when he recognised the unicorn peeking back at him. He opened his mouth to say something, when something caught his eye as Misha started stepping into his pyjama bottoms. 

“I thought your cut was on…” Jensen trailed off, when he realised Misha’s scabbed over injury was on the other knee. The cut that had caught his eye looked fresher and less…accidental. He sat up higher and frowned in concern, “Misha” he voiced softly. 

Swallowing and hesitating, the shorter man straightened as he pulled his pyjamas up. “Please Jen, don’t… don’t spoil it.” He wrung his hands and wrapped his arms around himself. “I thought we were having a good night?” 

Furrowing his brow in concern, Jensen thought quickly to try and salvage the situation, recognising that it all could come crashing down if he didn’t let this slide – for now. He could feel the mood slipping away and needed to grasp it. “We are having a good night,” he spoke slowly. “Come here,” he patted the bed and waited as the other man didn’t budge. “I said come here” he pulled the covers back and waved him over. Misha clambered in, crushing the unicorn to his chest as he and curled up on his side facing Jen, drawing his knees up. They found themselves staring at each other. “Are you okay?” Jensen asked. 

“I liked making forts with you,” Misha shifted, scooting a bit closer to the other man’s warmth. 

“Misha”- 

“Did you like making forts? Because you’re really good at it”. 

Jensen sighed, taking a moment before answering him. “I liked making forts with you too.” 

A guilty expression flittered across Misha’s face briefly, as he wondered if Jensen was disappointed in him. Everything had been going so well. “And, and I liked gummy bears and ice cream and watching my favourite movie with you.” 

“Good. Thanks for letting me stay,” Jensen shifted so he could with lay his arm under the pillow comfortably. At least Misha was being open and honest about something, and he wondered how far he could take it. His curiosity piqued, he asked “What else do you like? When you do this kind of stuff”  

“You mean when I play?” 

Jensen felt something catch in his chest at Misha’s choice of words, and his wide puppy eyes shining in the dark. “Yeah, when you…play. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” 

There was a long silence as Misha chewed on his lip, considering his answer. At one point he thought Jensen had given up on waiting, but the other man was patient as ever. Even in the dark his soft gaze was comforting and gently coaxing. “Well, mostly I like dressing up,” Misha spoke softly, “I have some soft toys, I like colours, I like Disney, and colouring in stuff, and stories” his body shuffled a bit closer to Jensen as he got more comfortable, “I like red sweets, and making things, like I made some stuff with beads which was pretty cool. I like being little, I don’t have to think, I can just play and not have to worry about stuff” 

“They all sound like nice things.” Jensen smiled. 

The pillow moved as Misha nodded. “Yeah, they are” yawning, he stretched out before going back into the foetal position. “There’s more things I’d like to try, I’ve seen stuff online that - but I don’t know.” 

“Like what?” 

There was another long pause as Misha shifted; Jensen could feel the soft mane of the unicorn brush against his chest. “I liked having you here” he stated cautiously. “I liked that you…helped” 

Jensen watched him back carefully, sensing that Misha wanted more than what he had given him that evening. “You know, you don’t have to be afraid to ask me for anything right?” 

“I guess”, another yawn escaped him “Thank you for tonight. I had fun,” Misha whispered in way that indicated he was too tired to keep talking now. He closed his eyes, burrowing closer to Jensen so he was practically cuddling him. 

“Yeah, me too,” Jensen stretched out and hesitantly laid a hand on Misha’s arm, rubbing his thumb back and forth against the bare skin. Misha mumbled something against his chest, then Jensen felt the other’s whole body relax as he promptly fell asleep. Jensen lay there for a while, gently soothing the other man he slept contentedly. 

He waited until the Misha was in a deeper sleep before he cautiously retreated to the lounge. Edging along the floor in the darkness, he searched inside the fort until he found what he was looking for. The soft glow from his phone highlighted his face. Hesitating, he hovered his thumb above the glass face before finally bringing up google.


	4. chapter 4

 

It was hard to believe that this was the same man who shyly spent time in pillow forts, Jensen mused, as he watched Misha do something akin to dancing with Jared. Obscene was what it was, the two of them dancing in a way that no one should witness – unless they had a camera, and a damn good sense of humour. Sipping his beer, he shook his head. The image of them, as laughable as it was, couldn’t distract him from his thoughts about recent developments.

It turned out the internet was a great source of information for trying to find out terminology and ideas for what Misha was clearly into. The problem was he had all this information in his head, and a willingness to try what he thought Misha wanted to try, but he had been yet to catch the other guy in that kind of mentality yet. He was fast learning there was adult Misha and Little Misha, who had a conflict between themselves anyway, and he was exasperated to find that after their indulgent childish night the other night, Misha had woken up in a different mindset.

It hadn’t felt right to broach the subject, especially as so far everything had been at Misha’s shy prompting. Misha had been so shy and sweet lately, it had been jarring when suddenly he was anything but, due to an impromptu lad’s night out. It seemed whenever they were around Jared and other people it would bring out the need in Misha to try and prove something, what it was, he didn’t know. Essentially ‘check out me, I’m still a big boy’.

“Hey!” speak of the devil, Misha appeared grinning and happily next to him.

“Hey yourself,” Jensen nodded, watching Misha order two more beers. A full bottle was slid towards him, as Misha took a big gulp of his own. “You good, man?”

“I’m great,” Misha stated.

“What happened to Jared? Did you break him?”

The other man snorted, “no, but I think some blonde wants to”. Jensen scanned over the dance floor until he spotted Jared hidden away in the corner flirting.

“Figures, you lose the pretty guy and now you’re stuck with me instead.”

“Hey, I’d rather be stuck with you” Misha dramatized leaning in with a big secret, “don’t tell Jared but you are way more fun to be around.”

“I think everyone knows that.”

Misha giggled and said, “come on,” taking his hand and leading him over to a secluded booth to make it easier to talk. “that’s better, its always so loud in these places. I hope you didn’t mind us leaving you to dance.”

“Dancing? That’s what that was? Damn, I was about to get you guys medical help.”

“Asshole,” Misha smirked.

“It’s good to see you having fun though man, after you were down recently.”

“Aww shucks, have you been worried about little old me?”

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little worried about you lately” Jensen said without thinking. “After, you know…”

Misha blushed but shook his head at him like he was being silly, “you are sweet.”

“Actually, I did want to talk about…” he trailed off at Misha’s questioning look, as if daring him to say something.

“Go on.”

Jensen looked around nervously, “are you sure you want to talk about stuff here?”

“I don’t know, what are you going to say?” Misha had put his beer down on the table and looked unsettled.

“At some point aren’t we going to talk about what I saw?” he put his hand on Misha’s leg.

Misha stared over the top of his drink. “You’re right I am having a good time” gently resting his hand on top of Jensen’s hand he stated, “so I don’t want to talk about that, and not here.”

“Look I’m not going to push you on it, I’m not judging, and I’m not going to lecture you. I just wanted to let you know I’m here for you. I’d rather have you talk to me, or hell, even fucking hurt me rather hurt yourself. Okay?”

Misha slowly nodded, grating from the feeling this wasn’t the last of it. “Okay,” he squeezed the other man’s hands and laced their fingers. “It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you about stuff, I’m just not used to having someone look out for me I guess”.

“You certainly need looking after,” Jensen commented before swigging back more beer. “Which…actually… about that,” he watched as the other man perked up and leaned closer to him. “Fuck it I’ve been waiting for the right time to bring it up, I’m not sure now is the right time though…”

A lump blocked Misha’s throat as he turned his whole body towards the other man as trepidation settled in. “It’s just us over here, no one else can hear”.

Jensen looked a bit hesitant, but after looking around to see the coast was indeed clear, he leant forward and spoke close into Misha’s ear. “After the sleepover, and what you said about liking me being there I did some” – he coughed – “research”.

“Re-search?” Misha’s brows took on a comical form of disbelief. He pulled his hand away to grab at his beer like a security blanket.

“Yeah, I just thought it might help if you wanted me to help you with stuff. I don’t know what you want, exactly or what you class this stuff as, but… let me show you what I found because if I’ve got this completely wrong anyway, I’ve fucked up. Here” he brought up his phone, brought up the folder under bookmarks for ‘Misha’s thing’ and showed the links to Misha, “I figure you let me know what you want, and if you want me to help, then I will.”

Misha’s eyes near popped out of his head as he picked up the first link “oh!” he said in surprise, and as he continued to scroll through the blushes deepened with every exclamation of “oh!”

“Oh boy,” Jensen muttered and sipped his beer.

“I uh… you, you’d really want to take this further and look after me?” Misha asked hesitantly.

“I figured you’d rather have a caregiver than a playmate, but again if I’m wrong…”

“No no that’s right that’s what I – but, really?”

“What’s so hard to believe about it?”

“I don’t know its just… I haven’t ever done that kind of thing before.”

“Funnily enough, nor have I.”

“And it’s not sexual?” Misha blurted out making the other man choke on his beer, thumping his chest to regain composure. “I just, uh, I mean – uh, boundaries and expectations…setting them” he tripped over his words.

“Sweet Jesus Misha way to give a guy a fucking heart attack!” Jensen coughed as he wiped at the beer he spilt over his front.

“I’m sorry! But on some of those links… I mean most people who do it are in relationships, and you’re my…Jensen. I just don’t get what you get out of this.”

Jensen shrugged, “look I care about you a lot, and your happiness is important to me. I don’t know why myself, but I feel invested in this since you trusted me with this and let me in. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing though, so I’ll need your help on this too. We had fun the other night right, so let’s just see what the fuck happens, I’m sure we can have even better times than the fort and stuff. And I’m happy to be your Jensen, whilst we figure stuff out okay?”

Misha nodded, body shaking as the realisation was sinking in. “you won’t treat me any different though? Even if it went wrong”

“What do you mean?”

“The every day stuff between us is still going to be normal right? I mean, I’m still a man, I’m still Misha fucking Collins as you put it… I just don’t want you to feel like you have to treat me with kids gloves all the time, like you have done since…you know.”

Jensen frowned, he had to admit he had been gentler and sweeter with the other man, which was why he was confused by the flip flopping of little Misha and Big Misha over the past few days, not knowing which to expect or how to handle him.

“You don’t have to defend your masculinity and shit to me Mish, I know”

“I’m not!” Misha snapped then looked chastened. “I’m not. Look, let me think on it”

Jensen was surprised by his own feeling of disappointment, “oh.”

“It’s a big deal asking someone to be their caregiver … let me think on it” Jensen could feel him slip away like he normally did when he felt threatened by getting closer to something he wanted. “Another beer?”

*

Just as he expected, Misha went into macho mode as the insecurity and paranoia got to him – aka alcohol. Fuck, he really shouldn’t have brought up his intentions in a club, especially with Jared around. It pained him to admit it but the more the other man drank, the more of an ass he was turning into, and more easily led by the influences of Jared – whose concept of knowing when to stop drinking was when they hit the floor.

“Shots?” Jared bellowed over the bar, eyeing up the tequila.

“Shots!” Misha bellowed back gleefully.

Jensen grimaced. Misha really really couldn’t handle shots, especially tequila, and it would not end well. The guy was barely standing as it was. “Misha no, no shots,”

“But I want to,” the other whined.

“You want to end up dying the next few days because you can’t handle them?”

“I can handle them.”

“No you fucking can’t Misha.”

“I can, I’m a full-grown man so I can do what the fuck I want because I’m Misha fucking Collins,” he stressed in a drunk manner. Jensen knew the affirmation would come back to bite him in the ass some-day.

“Calm the fuck down dad, you heard him, this man wants some fucking shots” Jared slurred with his arm around Misha, not noticing the way the other two men caught each other’s gaze; Jensen looked pissed off and Misha looked like he realised he just fucked up.

“Fine, do what the fuck you want,” Jensen shot back, and left them to go to the toilets. After he did his thing, washed his hands and exited the tiny room, he decided to hang back at the booth he and Misha had chilled in earlier and nursed. Screw the way this night was heading. He took some time to calm himself and collect his thoughts before heading back to the bar.

There was Jared. No Misha in sight. He quickly scanned the crowd then slapped Jared on the arm. “Where’s Misha?”

“The fuck do I know” Jared shrugged, trying to get the barman’s attention.

“I’ve been gone like twenty minutes, when did he leave?”

“I don’t know!”

Jensen scowled and left the bar.

*

“What the fuck, man” Jensen grimaced at the sight of Misha. Bent at the waist with one hand on the wall in front of him, the older man made a guttural sound as he threw up the contents of his stomach. Struggling to breathe he coughed and spat out, swaying slightly.

“Urgh, I hate when you’re right,” Misha mumbled and spat again, “… never again.”

“Until the next time right?” Jensen joked and patted him on the back.

“You should have stopped me.”

“Uh, I tried to - but you’re a full-grown man remember?” Jensen replied saltily. Misha winced, he gagged but seemed to hold himself together. “Are you done?” Jensen asked.

Nodding his head Misha swayed before shaking his head no. He promptly threw up some more. His eyes and throat burned, and he hoped this was the last of it.

“You’re okay, just breathe,” Jensen spoke from somewhere to his right. They stood in awkward silence for a while, Misha breathing heavily to control his insides whilst Jensen gazed on concerned. “Reckon you can walk?”

“Maybe.”

Wordlessly Jensen slung his arm around the other man and began guiding him down the street deciding it was time he went back to the hotel. It was a bumpy walk, partly because of the height difference but also because now and then the shorter man would sway and stumble, tripping over his own trainers. Five minutes stretched out as their footsteps and stumbles echoed in the dark and otherwise empty streets. With the hotel in sight Jensen felt elation – until Misha tripped and managed to vomit all over the front of himself, splashing some over Jensen’s leg and shoes at the same time causing him to curse.

“I’m sorry!” Misha slurred, eyes burning with watery heat.

“I can’t fucking believe this,” Jensen muttered to himself.

“I said I’m sorry!”

“Shut the fuck up man, let’s just get to the fucking hotel – if they let us in like this.” It was very rare Jensen was this angry with anyone, let alone Misha. Looking very sorry for himself, the drunk man wordlessly allowed himself to be dragged along the street to the building ahead.

Thank God Jensen managed to speed them through the lobby straight to the elevator. Frantically hammering the button, he somehow managed to keep the drunk upright and haul him into the tiny space. “Don’t touch anything,” he practically hissed and waited impatiently for the doors to ding open.

Misha kept staring down at his dirty feet, even as the doors opened and he was led down the corridor with its familiar vile carpet. It wasn’t until they reached the door and Jensen jostled him whilst getting his key from his pocket that he realised they were outside Jensen’s room. Jensen was still cursing as he fumbled with opening the door until finally, he could shove Misha through and pushed him straight through to the bathroom.

“Stand there” Jensen ordered. Misha complied, head down and docile as he felt Jensen tug at his clothes. Shirt pulled off first, causing a tangle of arms and vomit smeared over his face and hair, next came the jeans pushed down to his knees. He was positioned to sit back, with a thud, onto the closed toilet seat as his shoes and socks were taken care of and there, he sat in just his boxers. Head swimming, he stayed nearly still as Jensen took off his dirtied shoes and clothes and deposited them in the bin along with Misha’s clothes.

Water hissed as the shower was turned on and the next thing Misha knew he and Jensen were both stood under the warm water in their boxers. He swallowed thickly as he felt the other man begin to wash him under the stream of water, the scent of hotel shower gel replacing the smell of vomit.

“Jen,” he began choking on the other’s name as his head was guided under the water to get his hair clean.

“What?” Jensen snapped.

“Jen,” Misha repeated and started shaking with sobs.

Exhaling through his nose, Jensen carried on with his task. It was awkward trying to clean the shorter man up whilst he openly wept in the shower, and Misha’s limbs fidgeted as he tried to move forwards, but Jensen held him back. He kept having to put a hand on the other man’s shoulder to keep him still as he washed him, but the other was determined to paw him off. Suddenly he had his arms full of sobbing Misha. It was awkward, and slippery, he just about caught him and held them up right as the other sobbed into his neck. “Mish, come on,”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’ve fucked up,” the other man was rambling, apologies lost in the water and skin of the taller man’s neck.

“Mish - man – let’s get out of the shower first okay?” Jensen fumbled to turn the tap off and assist them out of the shower. Wrapping a huge towel around the sobbing drunk, he gently coaxed him to sit on the closed toilet seat, so he could wrap a towel around himself and crouch down in front of him. Misha had put his head in his hands and was trying to speak whilst sobbing, but it came out of sounds and made no sense. “Mish- MISHA! Take a breath man, come on, I can’t understand you.”

“-fter me” Misha sobbed into his palms.

“What?”

“You won’t look after me.”

“What the fuck do you think I’m doing now?”

Shaking his head brokenly Misha slumped forward even more into his hands, “I’ve ruined it and you won’t do it now, because I’m fucked up and you’re mad at me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I really wanted it, when you said, you said… and” -

“Breathe.”

“And I was going to tell you I wanted -to..to.”

“To?” Jensen prompted.

“it’d be like with the fort but better, but I messed it all up, and we won’t be able to do it anymore!”

“The fort…” Jensen trailed off as the penny dropped as the other man’s cries were loud and bare of his anguish. “Misha… Misha, no no no sweetheart don’t think that,” he awkwardly put his arms around the other man. “Yes, I’m pissed at you for getting drunk and throwing up on me, but shit happens – how many times have Jared, or I done stupid drunk things? Please don’t mix up this with any of that stuff, the stuff you’re talking about.”

“But I’m gross and stupid, and you’re m-mad at me! Make it stop!” Misha’s face crumpled as his nails went to the wound on his thigh and scratched at it, undoing the healing and reddening the skin.

“Misha no! stop -STOP IT!” Horrified, Jensen fought with the other man until he had both wrists in his hands. “Don’t!”

“But it hurts!”

“You’re hurting me right now by hurting yourself” Jensen snapped. “Misha you’re drunk,” he stated bluntly, “In a few hours’ time you won’t be, and I promise you then, you will certainly need looking after, and I’ll be there to do it.”

“You won’t,” the other muttered miserably.

“Look, let’s get into bed where its warm and comfortable and we can argue about this there,” Jensen towelled them both off, Misha was still crying but it was letting up, getting slower and quieter, the odd heavy sob shaking his body.

At some point Misha was aware the wet boxers were peeled off him and replaced with a warm dry pair, and a t-shirt was tugged over his head. Arms were slung under his back and knees and he was carried over to the warm comfortable bed Jensen had talked about. He wanted nothing more to roll away and face away from Jensen and his fears, but instead he found himself enveloped into a protective embrace against the bigger man, leaving no room for escape. Compulsively he kept sobbing the words “I’m sorry,” repeatedly whilst the other man shushed him.

“It’s okay, it’s okay” Jensen kissed the top of the other man’s head. “Look, nothing’s changed.”

“I don’t want you to go away.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I w-want to go back - back to the fort, I don’t want this night, p-please, I don’t want it!” Misha sobbed hard again, sentences melding as he struggled with his urges and his drunk mind. Jensen held him tight, continuing to shush and soothe him until eventually the other man tired himself out from the crying and heartache. Fuck, his own heart ached for the other man. How the fuck was he going to fix this?

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**__**

5:45 am. The big red numbers taunted Jensen as he rubbed his eyes and glanced over to the lightly snoring body beside him. It had been a long night. Twice so far Misha’s internal warnings signalled him to scramble up and catapult his body to the bathroom in time to throw up. Each time, he ended up rubbing the other man’s back, calmly reassuring him to “let it all out, man, you’ll feel better for it.” He was sure Misha disagreed, but none the less he wiped the other man’s face with a wash cloth for him and brought a glass of water to his mouth when he needed it. He even sacrificed a toothbrush, carefully tilting Misha’s chin up so he could replace the bitter sour taste in his mouth with Minty freshness instead.

About an hour ago, feeling pretty sure the other Man was invested in a deep slumber, he crept to the bathroom to retrieve Misha’s hotel key out of the pocket of his discarded jeans, grimacing at the mess in there. Obtaining the item, he made sure he picked up his own keys before slipping out of the room, taking one more glance at the still body on his bed before he left.

There was something about the expectant emptiness and silence of the hotel corridors that made him feel uneasy as he snuck back to Misha’s room. Carefully unlocking and entering the room, he fumbled his hand against the wall blindly until he found the light switch, then blinked against the brightness filling the space. He managed to find what he was looking for, easily – wedged in the space between the hotel pillows. Treasure in hand, he locked the room back up and retreated to his own room.

The dipping of the mattress caused Misha to stir and hum in confusion as he reached out, seeking the other man’s embrace again. Jensen pushed Misha’s beloved unicorn towards him before settling back down and slinging an arm around Misha’s waist. The sleepy appreciative smile that crossed the other man’s face was the best thing he had seen in hours. “You found Binky”.

“Thought you’d need him,” Jensen whispered back.  “Go back to sleep Mish” he whispered, watching as the other man happily obliged, eventually breathing slower and more evenly.

And now here he was, still awake, still listening to the other man sleep. He glanced to the clock again and sighed as it teased him – 5:50am.

*

Misha could feel the pull of consciousness bringing him out of sleep. Not wanting to move from his bed frozen position, or open his eyes, he tried to gauge the situation.

Head thumping – no surprise there. Dry mouth – not particularly pleasant. A soft toy wedged under this face – expected. The feeling of an arm around his waist and a flat chest pressed against this back – not common but not complaining. The latter felt the nicest, so he kept still to bask in the warmth of the embrace for longer. The slight shift of the bigger person behind him made him realise they probably already knew he was awake. It was nice just to laze there, the haze of dozing back again dangerously lingering behind his eyes.

“Hey trouble, how are you feeling?” Jensen’s voice drifted to his ears, causing his eyes to open.

“Like I’m regretting most of last night,” Misha murmured.

“Yeah, I guessed you might.”

There was a lazy silence between them as they remained in their positions. “I feel gross. Please let me die here quietly?” he groaned into the pillow.

 “Lucky for you we have the day off” Jensen drawled, “So that’s plenty of time for me to make you feel less gross and more human again.”

Misha carefully pried the unicorn from under his face and held it close to his chest instead. “Do you want me to go back to my room? You don’t need me fucking up your day as well as last night”

“I told you, I’m going to take care of you. Now, what I want is another shower to wake me up, so you just rest there and take it easy okay?”

Misha blinked at the simplicity of the care in Jensen’s voice, feeling the other man move away to get ready for his shower. There was the odd sounds of rummaging and zipping behind him, and he heard the bathroom door open and the tap running. In his daze he was surprised when a glass of water and a packet of painkillers appeared on the bedside table in front of him. Affectionately, Jensen ruffled his hair before disappearing for his shower.

*

Dressed and towelling off his hair, Jensen emerged from the bathroom among a billow of steam to find Misha had pulled out his clothing from his suitcase to wear. The other man’s face was covered up from the hood drawn up of the oversized hoody, and the sweatpants he used for lounging around in now hung low on the other man’s hips as he leant against the headboard with his knees drawn up. Chin resting on folded arms, Misha blinked at him tiredly.

“So,” Jensen started, chucking the towel behind him onto the bathroom floor. “Would breakfast be too ambitious?”

Misha shrugged.

“What do you fancy?”

“Pancakes?” Misha asked perking up and raising his chin up off his arms.

“What does your stomach say?” Jensen asked, raising his eyebrow in suspicion.

“Pancakes… no syrup.”

Jensen looked a bit doubtful but caved in anyway. “Well, let’s give it a try” he used the phone to order room service, aware of Misha’s gaze watching him the whole time. When he was done, he sat down on the bed next to Misha, feeling the other man’s anxiety rolling off in him waves. “So…”

“So,” Misha repeated, feeling a knot in his stomach. “Uh, I should say Thank you, for, you know. And I’m so sorry for all the crap I put you through. I don’t know how I’m going to make it up to you.”

“I took care of you without expecting anything in return Misha,” Jensen sighed.

Misha swallowed and spoke quietly. “I’m not so sure I deserve how nice you are to me. I’m really really sorry”-

“I know you are. And the offer still stands by the way.”

There was a pause. “Even after all that?”

“Especially after all that,” Jensen swung his legs out in front of himself as he leant back against the headboard too. “Look, I told you I’m not going anywhere. I want to look after you, you want it too, so shouldn’t this be simple? Let’s just start with me taking care of you today.”

Misha blushed and looked at him directly. “It does sound simple when you put it like that, maybe...too easy?”

“You’re scared” Jensen stated, watching the other man nod slowly. “What can I do to take that feeling away?”

Misha shifted, and they found themselves moving like clockwork in to a natural embrace whilst lying on the bed. Feeling Jensen’s chest rise and fall against his cheek, he considered his answer before quietly asking, “Can you be in charge? I don’t want to think about stuff today”.

“Whatever you need,” Jensen replied instantly, kissing the top of the other man’s head.

*

Empty plates lay stacked on the floor next to the bed, where the two men were cuddled up with Binky mashed between them, watching Peter Pan on the Disney movie channel. Misha mouthed the words to most of the script, relaxed and looking a bit more awake than he did earlier.

Jensen shifted slightly under him, wondering what his next move should be. Movies in bed was relaxing but he figured whilst he had the chance, he ought to do more. “Misha, sweetheart?”

“Yeah?” the other replied, not looking away from the TV.

“I was just wondering, have you got any more things in your room you might want me to get for you? I thought you might want other things besides Binky…”

Misha propped himself up on one elbow, “I don’t have much but I. I do have a backpack in my suitcase with some things in. I could go get it”

“I’ll get it,” Jensen gently moved him out of the way. “What does it look like?”

“Um, you won’t be able to miss it” Misha stated.

“I’ll be right back then”. Turns out the bag was a bright shade of pink with glittery stars on it. Subtle. He ran back with the bag because he had been seen, he didn’t know how the hell he was going to explain his way out of that one. Back in his room and finding Misha sat upright, he put the bag down on the space at the end of the bed. “Do you mind if I?” he asked and opened it up with Misha’s nod of permission.

Carefully he started pulling things out of the bag. There was a packet of gummy bears and the cuddly monkey he recognised from the tea-party under the table. A colouring book was wedged in, but he managed to pull it out without bending it. Misha scooted over on the mattress when he saw it “Can I”- he started then bit his lip.

Jensen smiled back, hoping it was reassuring. “Of course, but you’ll need to sit at the desk.”

“I won’t get felt tips on anything, I swear,” Misha smiled as he took the colouring book and looted the packet of felt tips from the bag himself. Scooting himself off the edge of the mattress, he ran to the desk and sat on the chair cross legged. Flipping the colouring book open, he spent some time carefully choosing which page to fill in.

Jensen smiled softly and continued looking through the backpack. Between some spider man action figures, he found the purple sparkly tiara from the fans meet and greet was tucked in safely. It looked like Misha was a sentimentalist as well as being select with his things for ‘play’ as he put it, that or he really didn’t have that much stuff. He would have to change that once he figured out Misha’s preferences.

Carefully he packed the things back in the bag, then watched amused as Misha concentrated on his art work, tongue poked out of the corner of his mouth in concentration. He was soon leaning over, curious to see what was being coloured in. “Huh, monkeys look good in green and purple. With spots too”

“The bananas were bad,” Misha tapped his pen against the paper. “If they had eaten the leaves, they would have had stripes”

“Do Monkeys eat leaves?”

“These ones aren’t stripy, so I guess not,” Misha spoke earnestly as he coloured in neatly.

Jensen snorted in amusement; he couldn’t argue with that logic. “How’s your stomach?” he asked. He’d managed to keep the pancakes down, so he figured that was a good sign.

“It’s okay thank you” Misha started colouring the leaves in yellow. “I think it would be all right if I had some gummy bears.”

“Nice try, maybe later though.”

“I was worth a shot,” Misha mumbled.

Jensen crouched down next to him, watching him for a bit longer. “Hey,” he said softly, waiting for Misha to look at him. “Are you okay?” at the other man’s nod he asked, “Am I doing okay so far?” Misha gave him a bigger smile as he nodded even more.

*

It was a damn good lazy day. Safe in the sanctuary of Jensen’s hotel room, they allowed themselves to delve into their trial run shyly at first, then more confidently. Misha relaxed more as the day went on, and they ambled the day away with movies and playing. Jensen was probably more enthusiastic about playing with the spider man action figures than he would have liked to admit, letting Misha dictate the plot of their make-believe scenes as he got into it. Of course, Jensen had to be the villain. The reward for spider man’s heroic victory in the end was a handful of gummy bears. It was a smug victory.

They opted for room service when it came to real food, and as they waited, Jensen returned from the bathroom to find Misha dragging the desk chair across the room. “Can you make me another fort please?” Misha asked shyly. He couldn’t say no to that.

It wasn’t long before they were dining under the widespread canopy of a bigger better fort than the first one they had made. Jensen was oddly proud of himself for the knack he was picking up for constructing pillow forts. Somehow the day had frittered away quickly, and they were once again bathed under a TV glow safe in the dark confines of the constructed sheets. Jensen felt Misha rise and fall against his chest from a wide yawn.

“Sleepy, sweetheart?” he asked, rubbing at the other man’s back.

Nodding, Misha let out another yawn and rubbed his eyes. “Would it be okay if I go to bed soon?”

“Of course. Want me to run you a bath?”

“Bubbles?”

“I’m on it.”

Misha sat up lazily, not really paying attention to the movie anymore as he carefully watched Jensen pick out a fresh set of clothing for Misha to wear. He took them with him, setting them on the radiator to warm up gently as he set up the bath for him, letting the bubble bath mixture combust into bubbles under the running water. Jensen tested the temperature and nodded to himself satisfied, before he turned and called Misha, who appeared a few moments later standing before him expectedly.

“You okay there?” he asked as Misha fidgeted with the sleeves of his hoody.

“Help?” Misha asked simply.

Jensen swallowed and nodded back at him before carefully starting to undress the other man. It felt more intimate than when he had stripped them both off and showered together. This was a whole new and different level of trust involved, and a different kind of emotion. Misha stopped him when he hesitated at the boxers, and Jensen turned and busied himself with folding the clothing into a neat pile as the other man climbed into the bath.

Waiting until he heard the subtle splashes indicating Misha was submerged and comfortable, he turned to find the other man sunk in the pile of bubbles with his arms wrapped around his drawn-up knees. His ankle joints clicked as he crouched down next to the bath and got eye-level with the other man. “You mind if I?” he asked, picking up the wash cloth. Misha shook his head in consent and allowed the other man to gently, cautiously clean him. They were silent for the most part, but not uncomfortably.

“You’re so gentle. It’s nice,” Misha smiled almost sadly, as if no one had treated him that way before. Jensen continued to run the flannel over his skin. When it came to brushing the cloth over the wound on Misha’s leg that was re-split last night, Jensen took extra care.

The foamy bubbles were soon disintegrating, so he took that as the cue to pull the plug and help Misha stand up. Emboldened by Mish’s compliment about being gentle and nice, he didn’t seem to care about the nudity, and assisted him out of the bath to wrap him up in a huge fluffy towel. Misha remained docile and relaxed as Jensen helped to dry and dress him. The younger man even took the time and effort to brush his teeth again for him as he did when he had been ill that morning, gently holding him under the chin and making sure to wipe his mouth for him after.

Before he knew it, he was being led by the hand back to the bed ready for another night of sharing. Jensen pulled the blankets up over themselves and carefully ensured Misha was all tucked in and comfortable before he himself settled down, one arm tucked beneath his head and one arm slung around Misha’s waist. Misha put his hand on Jensen’s shoulder and pulled himself in a bit closer, gently smiling at him in the dark. Jensen returned the warm look. “Today has been amazing” Misha claimed.

“Yeah? I know it wasn’t exactly like the stuff I showed you online, but it was a start you know?”

Misha confided, “after last night I didn’t think anything like this would happen, you were so mad, and I’m mad at myself for how I behaved. I couldn’t believe it when you said you still wanted to care for me and then just…just doing it. It was more than I could have hoped for. Thank you so much,” he sounded like he was going to tear up.

“Let’s forget about all that happened last night, move on from it. Focus on working out this side of things instead,” Jensen stroked his side, “the side where you get to feel safe and know that you matter. We can do more stuff. Just let me know what you want okay? And I’ll do my best because I want to make you happy. I told you, I’m not going anywhere.” Misha nodded back at him, not trusting himself to speak yet. “Are you okay baby? How are you feeling?”

Misha opened his mouth and inhaled as if about to say something but caught his breath. Searching Jensen’s face in the dark he swallowed before scooting forward. He paused, shaking slightly as he got almost nose to nose with the other man. Jensen shivered a little himself, feeling the other man’s breath brush against his skin feather-light. Misha smiled softly and gently pressed his forehead against Jensen’s, surprising the other man when he sweetly gave him an eskimo kiss. “You make me feel like Peter Pan” he whispered giggling. Jensen let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

A fluttering started inside his chest at the small sweet intimate gesture, and he liked it. He wanted it again.  


End file.
